This is my fourth post in a series about the program I'm doing with Revelation Wellness - Weigh Less to Feed More. You can read the rest here.
I'm on week 5 of my walk with Revelation Wellness and realizing what is actually happening here. I've talked before about reaching out to Alisa, almost in a stupor, out of desperation, not really sure what it was I was looking for. I knew I needed help because my heart was in bad, bad shape. I knew I needed help because I felt like I'd almost forgotten how to be healthy. But in all honesty, the only fruit or end goal I could picture was: skinny.
I wasn't so overt about it, but it was there. The hope that after 8 weeks, I'd be shockingly smaller. Much more incredibly fit. And sure, I was hopeful that my heart would be in good shape too. But mostly, I just craved freedom from fat.
(Disclaimer: I need you to know I rarely use the F-A-T word out loud. Not in reference to myself or others. My kids don't use it. And prior to this journey, you'd never ever ever hear me call myself that word. I'd rather not use it now, but I want to be honest about what was in my heart.)
At the beginning, Alisa and I talked through my goals and as we spoke, I realized I craved spiritual freedom from some of the heart burdens surrounding food, weight, and health MOST. As I got honest with myself, I realized that at the times in my life when my body was at it's absolute smallest, my mind was still incredibly off track as it pertained to my physical appearance. At my smallest, I still felt F-A-T. When I was the most physically fit, I still FEARED fat and what it said about me.
I'm five weeks in and I am literally happy to tell you that as of a few weeks ago (the last time I weighed myself), I had officially lost zero pounds. My diet and lifestyle have drastically changed and my body is changing, but the actual number has gone no where. Of course there is some science behind that, my body is trading muscle for fat, etc etc - but there is some real fruit behind it that God has been gracious to give. The day I weighed myself, instead of feeling defeated and condemned - I felt rushed with God's love for me. Instead of feeling hopeless, I felt massive amounts of appreciation for my body and how it's growing. I walked off the scale, did a little out loud praying per Alisa's suggestion, stood in the mirror and smiled at my body.
Fat for me, it's never about fat. It's about fear. Fear of being found out, fear of not being enough, or the fear that I'll never change. I may not have lost a pound on this journey as of yet, but I have gained so much truth. I'm walking in the truth that I have been found out - by Jesus - and He paid the price that I might live in freedom. I'm standing in the truth that I am more than enough in Christ, that He has appointed me, will equip me, and His strength will be made perfect in my weaknesses. I'm delighting and jumping up and down over the truth that He is changing me and will not give up on this work.
My goals have changed.
You can have your skinny.
I'll take His love.