Thank you, alter ego PART1

I have this weird thing about my personality. In real life, I have several - but let's just pretend there's only one big one for the sake of this blog. The one horrible, big, weird thing I do is .... For as long as I can remember, I morph into this completely alter ego about 70% of the time. I've been doing it daily for a really really long time. I do with most everyone I know, and it manifests itself in so many ways - I can't even begin to describe it. So I'll give you a few extreme examples:

- In reality, I am and have been extremely passionate about purity of the heart & body for the past several years. However, for some reason - I started making this joke a year or two ago - telling my unmarried friends, "If you get pregnant - it's okay... God redeems those things." The other night, a few of them were even joking about it -saying it's one of the first things they remember about me. Can you imagine how depressing it knowing that my closest friends don't know one of my biggest passions? or... how even more depressing it is to know that is my fault?

- Another one: in our marriage, submission is completely and utterly important to me. Even though I frequently struggle with it, I don't question it - and there is not a single decision I would ever override of Nick's... there isn't one move I'd make without him. But for some reason, when we're with other couples - I come across as the bossiest, prissiest wife in the world. And I don't like it. One male counterpart of a couple friend even looked at his girl the other night and said "Don't ever say that to me." after I made a condescending joke towards Nick. And I don't blame him.

- Lastly... in my day to day life - I'm pretty cheesy (especially compared to my husband), fairly silly, and not at all serious in comparison to others. In contrast, when I'm with my nuclear family I tend to turn into a pissy, uber-stuffy, weirdo turtle. My sister's favorite thing to taunt me with is "toast, toast" because once on a holiday with the family, I was being so self-important that I refused to give into the silliness of giving a Christmas toast. That's stupid. I love my family & I wish I could toast to their greatness & health daily.

... So that's just what I do. Alot. I hate it & I think about it constantly. I'll finish a conversation with someone and walk away saying, "...why did I say that? why wasn't I real? what's my problem?" . So even though it seems like we talk about it a good amount already, I finally decided to ask my second-favorite counselor, (my first is my sister) Kal, why I do that. Please come read part two for her answers. LIFE CHANGING.