Anxious Heart

So it's Thursday morning and I've been up since five thirty - unable to sleep. Please tell me my little early morning nesting skills are not kicking in already. My boys are still asleep - together since E decided to grace us with his presence at 5am:) They're really precious together. Sometimes they snore in harmony.

I just feel somewhat on the cusp of life today. I know that sounds cheezy & silly but I just feel like we're at this major crossroads and either way we go - we're walking with Christ. I can't stop thinking about baby#2 and how we found out what it is next week... This weekend is running through my mind and the vast opportunities it brings. I'm excited about date night and time to download with Nick tonight.

So while I was rummaging through my heart and the internet this morning - I found this thing I wrote in feb. 06. It's not at all supposed to be beautiful or eloquent... but it's my heart right now as well. Hope you relate.

Open
fingers in my ears, I scream at the top of my lungs LA LA LA LA,

I hear myself, my needs, my fears.

My self, my voice, my unrest.

Justification over sanctification -explanation
over expansion - comfort isn't always complacency...

These lies I believe, the
hope I receive from myself, my world, my view

I see what I need to see

In your word: I read what I need to read

The louder I talk, the stronger the story

But all I do, all I think, all I say - Does it compare? distract?

Is it even cohesive with your story?

My habits, our plans, the path: Our way, at the end of the day,
is it what you

Wanted?Needed? Desired? Heeded?

pry me open.break my locks.

I'll hand you the key - albeit increasingly reluctantly.

This is Your head, Your heart, Your life, Your girl.

These are more than words -more than letters falling numbly to the page.

My pledge;my cry;my need.

Yes, the tension in responding to
Your call wells up -but the life You offer - in comparison to this -

is far too great.

Open our minds, sweep through our hearts,invade our futile and failing plans.

Expose our inabilities, capture the You in me.

Rip it out, make it first.

Feed this world Lord, quench our thirst.