A week later

I was talking to my mom last night about the whole Glory ordeal and we were comparing notes about how different we all feel a week later. When people ask me how far along I am, or when I'm due.... I want to go into a twenty minutes tangent about God's grace & goodness. During that whole hard walk - I really anticipated that I'd feel silly or stupid if everything turned out to be okay. I don't feel that way. I don't feel like a tear or a prayer was wasted. I just feel grateful.

I don't think anyone can understand what we went through in those two weeks, except for those who've been through that wait. I know I can't understand what it's like to lose a baby & I know I can't understand what it's like to bury a child and so I don't really expect anyone to understand what our little faith trial was like.

What I do understand, is peace. I also understand my Father's heart much better than I did a month ago. I understand that any trial is hard - small or big. Tonight I was talking to some girlfriends and hearing their hearts and what they're going through and I was just broken for them. Life is so hard - processes on earth are so fallen. Grief, in any form, is not easy.

It's just so hard for me to understand that God gives us His love, peace, & grace so willingly. I will never walk through another trial in my life in a place that blames Him because I've tasted that gift and seen how easy it is to accept. Part of me wants to put a condition on that & say 'maybe I'll revert back to my old ways & complain and moan and curse His name & plan'. But I truly know that I won't. Once you've tasted the simplistic gift of His presence - you're hooked.

So whatever life brings - I'm holding on. I might mourn, cry, scream, hurt, die, fail, fall, question, cry, wait, wonder, cry, kick things, cry.... but I won't do it without Him. I won't push Him out - I won't do it alone. I'll cry, kick, & scream while I thank Him for the gift of His presence.