obedience & rebellion

For weeks and months - I've been drawn to Proverbs 31 and in the past few days, my feeble little heart has been ripped open by it's truth.

This year I've been challenged by things like getting up early to shower and have a quiet time, being a better steward of my money and items, being seen as honorable in the community, and all of the other great and wonderful things the p woman does and is. I've thought about how I should probably bake my own bread, may even homeschool my kids, could eventually be challenged to sew most of their clothing, and how I should respect my husband at all times.

In this challenging week, however, God opened my eyes to the most simplest of terms - the most bold of all challenges. The passage begins with questioning who can find a wife of noble character. As the words from my bible reflected off of my eyes - it was as if a mirror reflected off my heart and I was finally able to see: I am not a woman of noble character. I'm far from it.

Certainly parts of my life have been cleaned up and swept tidy by the Lord - but at the heart of it, my nature is not noble. My desires aren't pure. I am not where I need to be - as a woman of God, as a friend, as a wife, mother, or minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Rather than depression or defeat, I'm trying to find freedom and offer it to others. Owning what we are and what we are not in Jesus' name is the beginning to becoming what we must be. There are some jokes, some words, some activities that are going to slowly be weeded from my life - but the cost is worth it. My mouth, eyes, ears, and hands need to be more than "cleaned up", they must be replaced by those of Christ. "Just my personality" is codeword for "just my sinful stupid nature" and it's time that I begin to see things in black and white.

There are tiny seeds of rebellion everywhere in my life that could cannonball into disgusting avalanches. Some are smaller than my own heart can see, some I've been hiding well for years.

My husband is going to be a pastor someday - it has been prophecied to us and we know it in our hearts to be true. I have a great deal to live up to as his wife, a long way to go. My kids are going to keep growing, this is a fact of life. I have even more to live up to as their mama. It took a hard look for me to remember that the most devastating thing in my life would be getting in the way of their lives because I lack the desire needed to choose the righteous thing all the time.

Thankfully, the enemy has already been defeated.
The perfect lamb has already set the example for me to follow.