not worthy

So last night I woke up at 4am, because that's what I do when I'm pregnant. I was psychotically checking Nick's email because we're waiting to hear back from one of our supporters that is trying to help us get back to the East Coast for a little visit with family in January.

The whole time I was awake I was thinking, "Lord - I really would appreciate this donation, I really would appreciate to go home & see my family. But even if we get the donation, I think I'll feel uncomfortable - we really don't deserve it." I usually don't mind living off of support because our job is hard & I know what a blessing it is for us to give to others so I know it blesses others to help us out too. However, last night, I was just feeling really really unworthy. We just don't deserve the stuff we have like our kids and our health, much less spending money for coffee and plane tickets.

Today was like a massive day of craziness in response. First, we got a massive box from great friends of ours - Leigh & Gray Ladd, who had gotten friends & family to donate a massive Christmas surprise. Gifts for our kids, gifts for Lauren & Beulah, gifts for Nick and I, maternity clothes, baby clothes, & individual gifts for the girls living with us. Is that for real? Each thing I pulled out, I became more and more in shock.

Later, we got a sweet unexpected gift to help us get home and then Debi & Miles FOUND some more Victorian Christmas money we earned, all equaling almost most of what we need to buy plane tickets. Is that for real?

Tonight, I was cleaning and baking and wrapping presents and just felt really comfortable in my unworthiness. I don't deserve Christ and His everlasting life. I don't deserve this husband I have - who is my best friend & hero. I don't deserve these kids - who are too much & are my absolute joy. My friends, this house, extended family, none of it. I am completely unworthy of it all and I'm just supposed to find peace & a further pursuit of righteousness buried in that.

So, here is a quick thank-you video for Leigh & Gray. We love you guys & we cannot wait to hug your necks in January.