Today as you napped, I was sorting your clothes. For whatever reason - doing your laundry is always way more fun than doing mine. As I pulled out new stuff, old stuff, I checked all the tags for the age ranges and had to evaluate each little outfit. Could it be that 12 month pants need to go in the donation pile already? Woosh, I guess you are a year old. Truly, your petite little ankles stretch far beyond the bottoms of most of those hems.
When I came to your old brown dress, the one that used to swallow you - I laughed as I thought about how your strong little arms could probably rip those seams, tearing that dress in two. I almost threw that one in a pile for a friend, then decided to keep it - just to tell you about how tiny you were, how I will never forget the picture of you in the dress - perched on the floor like a starving, angry little queen with your limbs outstretched in authority.
I held this one miniscule little onesie and sat in awe looking at it for many minutes. I can't really remember you ever wearing it - though it did look worn, but I was just overcome with the bitesize threads that held such a massive little lady. With less than ten pounds of body, you just burst into our lives and shook it all up - you demanded so much, right from the beginning.
When you were in my belly, the reality that we faced screamed for a reaction from us. Yes, Jesus loved you and me - yes, He wanted the best for us - but He didn't promise perfection and long lives. He did however, promise peace and when we faced the thought of losing you, He delivered in abundance.
And girl, when you came out and just shrieked at me for months - you demanded love. Love that a sinful mama couldn't provide, so I went to Jesus and again - He supplied. In abundance.
The two of you - you & that brother you love so much, you ganged up and together with your crying and your diapers and your fast legs and all the climbing - you demanded that I step outside of myself for every single minute of every single day and think about you first and me second. I didn't like that, so I fought it for a bit & then Jesus stepped in & provided all the strength and the energy and the stamina. Your helpful Daddy didn't hurt the matter.
Most of all lady, your pintsize little ball of fierceness served as a constant reminder that I had to be something for you to want to be like. Could I step up and be the kind of woman you would want to be like? Moreover, did I think that this place in life - this mama thing was worthy enough for you to yearn for. If I didn't ever have my picture in a magazine, my name on a cover, my feet on a stage - was that good enough for me? Would it be good enough for you? An afternoon with you and a few minutes in prayer answered that yes, it was. If you and I were only ever wives and mamas and daughters of the King, that was more than enough and more than we deserved.
My girl, you are still a little ball of goodness demanding that I do the right thing. It seems hard to imagine that you've been here a year - I didn't think either of us would look like this a year later, I didn't think either of us would be who we are a year later. But I am so glad. You have demanded a lot, Jesus has provided a lot, and I cannot wait for another year of growth with you. Who will you be in twelve months? Who will I be? I can't wait to see, Glor.
In much appreciation, your mama.