I'm a mess

To say this has been a hard few months sounds almost silly.
We haven't had many life altering days or tragic events but just a combination of really hard, tiring days stringed together with very little fruit - besides spiritual.

Without going into too much detail, we're just struggling much like the rest of the country - financially, but all while coming off of a missionary-support-raising budget and in the middle of trying to really figure out just what state we're supposed to be in. Nick's heart is in Boston. It just is. I feel super attached to him and what he does, but goodness - I love it here. He is working his tail off and I'm working my tail off trying to raise these kids - but it's still just confusing and hard to understand. We'll think we see what the Lord is doing and what step we are supposed to take and then, woosh - it's gone. There have been so many days like that in the past few months, I can't begin to describe.

So, by the time this last possibility arose, I felt like I could guard my heart and still pray for God's hand to move. We prayed, prayed, prayed, asked others to pray, pray, pray and it seemed hopeful - and it didn't work out.

I was with Nick when he found out and I can't begin to tell you how positive he was, how he never, ever doubts the Lord, how he is mostly concerned with how I feel - if I'm ok. And I wasn't. I wasn't angry with Him or doubting His plan or His goodness - I was just really scared of the immediate. What will happen to us? How in the world are we going to be ok? How will we get out of this mess?

I spent about an hour there. I called my mom & my sister as the kids napped, whispering, because if I talked louder than a whisper I'd start crying again - and they both gave me scripture and prayed with me. Then I just pulled out my Bible and cried to Him and over and over, I said, "this is such a mess! this is such a mess! this is such a mess!" and this is what He spoke to my heart:

I looked around and saw a house that is warm, with a roof, with food to feed our children. For today, tonight, we live here in this great house. I thought to those babes in their various sleeping apparatuses and thought - they are all healthy, all have full bellies, with no massive problems that an animal cracker and a kiss from mama can't solve. Then I thought about my husband, planning & praying, doing his best to figure out what is best for us. Working in the rain and the cold doing construction to provide as much as possible - with full faith that the Lord will take care of us.

So what's really a mess? The only mess I saw was me.
A crying, blubbering mess on the sofa, wasting my naptime solitude on some tears.

The immediate future is fine, more than fine. Blessed.
So any tears, any concerns - are for the future which could be classified as worrying which should be classified as sin. This is a temporary mess. And Lord, I pray temporary really looks temporary. I pray this is the worst it gets. But if it doesn't? What are we looking at? God will still be God. He will still be good.

Romans 8:18 says,
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

So the facts are:
- Things aren't as bad as they could be, in fact, we're blessed.
- I have no idea what the future holds and becoming a mess over it is just plain silly.
(and wasteful of a really good naptime)
- Even if the present gets much worse, it still won't be anything in comparison to the glory
(of Himself) that He that He will reveal to us.