nothing to celebrate


Benjamin is almost one.
It happened way too quickly.
My mom and I were talking the other day and I told her jokingly, "We're not having a party for his birthday because I'm not happy about it!" Later, she said - "But you are having a party, right?" and I assured her, absolutely not. Nothing to celebrate here.
No baby of mine is turning one.

But that's not all together true, of course. Benjamin is a lot to celebrate. He's worth a million parties. But I do think I'm a little too sad to put up streamers, so we're going to have a family day and maybe go to the aquarium! Or the zoo! Or to a banana factory, since bananas are Benjamin's favorite thing in America. Let it be noted that he said "banana" before he said "mama". And of course, there will be cupcakes involved somewhere.

I've never had a real baby turn one without another baby on the way. I'm not sad that I'm not pregnant, for sure, but it's just really different to look at our family and see it as complete for now and it makes me want to just freeze time. For my entire mothering career, I've been so excited for the next stage...

What will it be like when Elias starts crawling? Can you imagine how sweet it will be when Glory is here and Elias has a sister? Oh! They're starting to notice one another, I can't wait till they can play together! I can't wait till they can talk to each other! It will be so fun to see Glory as a big sister! Will Benjamin EVER crawl?

But now, is just the sweetest stage. Elias is learning SO much, relationally & world-wise. Every day is so different for him. Glory is really blossoming into this whole new person, so much softer and caring - with her same streak of strong-willed spunk, but much less wild than she was a month or so ago. And Benj... he's just so happy to be alive. He's happy to wake up, happy to play with his older brother, happy to chase the two of them all of the house with his run-crawl. Happy when his daddy comes home, delighted with himself when he stands up, overjoyed - OVERJOYED for meal time.

I just want to freeze today.
But I know that's not fair.
Growth in Christ is the most hopeful part of my life and I the thing that brings me the most joy right now is knowing I will not be the Jessi I am on May 20th, 2010 that I will be on May 20th, 2011.
So no use in robbing Benja of his joy.
He's not the sweet, cuddly, ruddy, little ball of boy he was a year ago - he's a whole new one.
And that is certainly worth celebrating.
(but I'm still not using streamers)