halloween candy and leopard boots

If I read my whole blog, my favorite posts by far are the fashiony ones. 
Except for the Jesus ones. So far, I haven't had a post about fashion and Jesus - till now.
Surely, a combination of fashion and Jesus would lead to my absolute favorite post ever.  

Fantasy fall fashion wish list from last year. Last fall was a super hard time financially and I couldn't even fathom going shopping for a few basics. Honestly, I still can't imagine what it would be like to just go to Target and pick up 4 or 5 new things, because it just feels crazy to spend that money when you're fundraising to plant a church. It's still fun to write these fantasy posts about what I would buy though - right? 

I found the blog post and got a little sad. Maybe a little bitter. 
It's not something I say out loud a lot, but I really struggle with envy over material possessions. Iphones, houses, leather jackets, fun earrings, cocktail rings, toms shoes, actual diaper bags, fancy baby quilts, high heels!, nice hand towels. I want to be the kind of person who can appreciate beautiful things and not necessarily need them - but every once in a while I get a little wistful. 

So, here's the thing. A year later, I've got all those things. Not any of the actual items - but something nearly very close in every situation. I was going to post a picture of me wearing all the items but decided to take a different route. Even down to those leopard boots, now - I have leopard rain boots. My sister got them for me for my birthday.  Every single one of those items has been gifted to me, hand-me-downed, or bought for under $10 on crazy sale. Without even thinking about it, I acquired my fantasy fall fashion list! 


And of course, my first inclination was to think - "Oh, isn't that sweet of the Lord?! Without me even knowing it, over a year - He's blessed me with my fantasy fall fashion list! Even in a hard financial time, He's giving these sweet little gifts!" And truly, He is good. And truly, He does bless me so much. But I also had another thought. 


Lately, Elias is obsessed with Halloween candy. (stay with me) 
He's my early riser and so when he gets up at 6:45 or so, he pads down the stairs and rubs his eyes and comes up to me in my quiet time chair and asks for some halloween candy. And the truth is - sometimes I get a little frustrated. Here's why: Before I go to bed at night, I'm thinking about Elias (and Glory and Benja). Usually, by the time I go to sleep a few hours after they go to sleep - I'm already missing them and I have to peak in on them just to see their sweet faces. I go to sleep praying for them and praying that I'll be the sort of mom they need. Begging the Lord for their salvation, their health, that they'd live lives that bring Him glory. And when Elias sleeps in till seven, I've usually already been up for hours. Preparing my heart for Him - and for him. I've been up, loving him, thinking of things to teach him, folding his clothes, or prepping his lunch. I love him so much more than He'll ever know and I want good for him, (just good!), and the thought of him hurting physically makes my chest hurt. I love him from the depths of my feet, right out of the split ends of my raggedy hair. I just love him. 


And he wakes up and asks me for halloween candy. 
Nasty old snack size halloween candy. 


And if I love my son like this, how much more does the Lord love me. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - who set the world into motion and made (MADE!) the space between the waters above and the waters below. He loves me. He sent His perfect son to endure anguish and separation and the cross for my sin. His Word says that He loves me furiously, that He'll provide for me, that He wants to use me, that He sings over me. 
But I sure would like that fantasy fall fashion list. 


You know, sometimes (against my better judgement) I'll just give Elias that halloween candy at 6:30am. Just for the chance to still his little man bones for a second to cuddle with me, so I can nuzzle my nose in his neck and kiss him six times and pray for him as he watches Arthur. 


Lift up your eyes  church. 
If this God is for real, He is so much more than we think. 
He loves us so much more than we think. 
He wants to do so much more than toss us some halloween candy or leopard print boots.