ugly crying in the driveway

Maybe a lot of moms run to get some space or clear their head. In all honesty, I feel like my head is usually much more muddled when I'm done. I don't run to clear my head, I run to wrestle. There is a lot of praying and on occasion there are tears. Maybe if I listened to Katie Perry or something and just bounced along it would be different. Instead, I'm listening to weighty worship songs that I'm begging to be believe as my stick short legs eek along, slow step after step. 


So I'd been running and wrestling for forty six agonizing minutes. Running over crushed red leaves and glistening sidewalks, past beautiful houses and through the places that I called home during college. Running was so different then. The Lord was so different then. Everything was important, but the weights assigned were nothing compared to the weight that I carry now. It's beyond important that I run now because it's this task that I can start and finish - only with the help of the Lord. And it's the only tangible start and end thing in my life that I can see His hand in from beginning to finish. I'm so far from the finish of anything and it gives me hope. 


The Lord is different now and He's weighty in ways I never imagined. Because if He isn't good and if He isn't real - this is a big old mess I'm in. I've just put every single egg in His basket, every single hope in His hands and there is nothing left if He isn't good. And I find that even His blessings are replacements for Him. I just want Him. Alone. 


I had added two slow songs at the end for stretching and when this one came on, I went ahead and just collapsed in the driveway. And I cried out to Him. This is how I feel about You and it's not quite right and it's not theologically correct and it is not pretty. But I am broken and tired and weary and the beautiful black pavement seems more welcoming than my heart does right now. I played the song for a friend who's struggled with depression before to see if she heard what I did and I watched her blank face and worried I was completely alone in my thoughts. When it was over, she declared it the most beautiful song she'd ever heard. We put blankets over our faces to hide our pre-cry scowls and I felt very at home. 


So hear is a song for you on a day when you don't feel theologically correct or tidy in your love for Jesus. When you want to say, "I don't love you - but I always will". And some scripture if you need some more words. 


The Civil Wars - Poison & Wine