((a HUGE thanks to Hannah from Visions Photography for these beautiful pictures))
You probably don't notice or care or mind, but since I like to keep my purposes and intentions creepily clearly defined - when things shift, I've got to have my head around it.
Confused? I'll back up.
When I started blogging in 2005, I wasn't a mom. I had no intention of being a mom anytime soon. I did like writing, but I also didn't understand the scope of blogging. I had no clue people made money doing it and I didn't really read any blogs myself. I've told my story of blogging enough to condense the next few years pretty quickly for you now. What happened next is that Nick and I had three kids in three years, with health problems and financial problems and all other kinds of problems. We moved cross country, ran a ministry, moved a few more times and I wrote through it all. I initially wrote about our day to day with some scattered heart-heavy-writing posts mixed in. I was most definitely a mommy blogger in that I wrote from the identity of a mom, primarily to other moms.
What came next was a shift that was really caused by a mixture of events. My kids grew and I felt less comfortable sharing THEIR stories. Motherhood changed and became challenging in so many new ways and I felt less confident speaking from that identity - I'm not an expert mama, but I want to be confident in who He's made me to be - and NOT writing about motherhood feels essential to looking only to Him for approval. I also saw another side of blogging and I DID want to walk in that identity. I saw a niche of women who were possibly moms, possibly wives, but they could blog outside of that identity and keep that part of their life sacred. My heart really longed for that. And so the blog began to include more design, more inspirational posts, less kid stories and pictures, much less about my husband or our outings or personal ministry. I don't think keeping things off my blog was the only way to keep them sacred, but it worked for me.
I would occasionally feel insecure about this shift. If I didn't blog about my kids or my husband the majority of the time, would people knew how much I loved them? Would people think they weren't important to me? Even asking that out loud reminds me that proving you love someone by posting on the internet about them is a stupid bogus notion. I was telling the story I was supposed to tell. I was writing for an audience of One. Maybe two, my husband's approval of my blog means a whole lot to me. Past that, I had to let people read and walk away with whatever assumption they needed to.
So, what's the shift now?
Well. I'm a new mom again. But to say that it looks differently this time around is a massive understatement. I'm living motherhood in new colors and pictures than I did 6, 5, or 4 years ago. I think there are lots of reasons for this but the major ones are:
This is my first baby after losing a baby, after really longing for a baby.
I can barely hold Cannon for 5 minutes without crying out to the Lord for my friends who are praying to get pregnant. This time last year, I was still crying over our Arrow and aching when I saw pregnant bellies. It's just a completely different perspective. Grateful doesn't begin to describe where my heart is at right now.
Don't tell me if 28 is still considered a young mom, I don't want to know. But for sure, I'm not the nervous, scared, intimidated, insecure 22 year old who had a 4 month old and was pregnant with her second. I don't feel like an expert at all, but I don't feel like I need to be - which is a thrill in itself. I'm not scared, I'm humbled. I ask less for advice and do what feels right for us. I don't follow all the rules and I don't feel like I need to compare myself to any other moms. Well, I get tripped up - but for the most part, I know that if I keep my eyes on Jesus and take directions from Him, I will be the mom He wants me to be.
I feel more awake as a mama.
Cannon's birth has been just a crazy awakening for me. That pregnancy was a doozy and a half that sucked the daylights out of me. But the Lord has heaped life on me and into my heart since I first held him. I don't love him one ounce more than my other kids, in fact - I spent MUCH of my time in the hospital with Cannon thinking about them and strategizing how I could be more present for them. But in general, I just feel 100 times more ready to be a mom to four than I did to three. That is crazy and weird to explain, but it feels true.
All that being said, I might be more of a mommy blogger again, ok?
I want to write about his birth, I want to write about some of the ways I've been able to cope with baby blues + raging hormones. I want to instagram 8,304 pictures of my kids a day (I'm refraining, slightly).
Don't expect baby food recipes or how-to posts on sleep training or toddler discipline posts. That's still not who I am. (It's GREAT if that's who you are) It's still just not my voice. But I won't apologize if there are baby pictures littered in posts or maybe some heartfelt essays about things going on as a mama to older kids as well. And maybe some free printables for your nursery:)
I pray this return to mommy blogging is done with grace + humility.
I pray it is life giving and not peace stealing for all women, moms or not.
I pray time would slow down because I'm not ready for these days as a mama to pass.
But they will. And I want to live them to their fullest.
And that might mean writing about them.
Hope you'll stick around + be blessed.