Welcome back, self

So I stopped blogging for awhile because I didn't really have time and didn't see the purpose - but lately I've been missing writing and this is such a great outlet for my thrashing emotions and deep thoughts. Ha, or hilarious Elias stories and/or the sickest recipes ever that I make up sometimes.

So here's something to start it off with:

Elias is staying at his Grand Nanny's because we're celebrating our 2 year anniversary. Tonight Nick asked me what my dreams were. That sounds like such a basic question, but it's one he doesn't ask me often. My desires in life have shifted so much in the past two years, I haven't really gotten to sit and gauge what my ultimate dream is. Two years ago I thought I'd be the next Beth Moore (ha) and now I feel like it's great if I truly mean what I'm saying during worship once a week. So I really started thinking and these are the three random dreams that I actually desire.

a) to defy family odds, to prove the world (even the Christian world) wrong. Everyone says the next few years are going to be so hard. Everyone says that marriage at 20, pregnant at 21, baby #1 at 22 and however many to come is going to kill us - atleast for a few years. I want it to make us the most joy-filled, spent, child-adoring, spouse-loving, and Christ-like family possible. I don't want us to be perfect. I want us to be us, real people who love God. I know that sounds naive, but I actually don't care. I want to be purposeful and see everything as a gift, not as a burden.

b) when my kids are school-aged, I want to have a closet/space that is chockfull of school supplies. Stacks and stacks of paper, pens, glue, and crayons. Not to allow them to be wasteful but so they know when it comes to learning & creativity - the supplies are limitless. This isn't derived from any neglect from my childhood (I always had school supplies - I just refused to use them), but it's probably more directly linked to my inner connection between having mundane household supplies (toilet paper, windex, & hand soap) and my feeling of security. We could have $0.03 to our name, but if we have an 8 pack of paper towels, I feel like we're millionaires.

c) my last dream is to be exactly the opposite of myself as a mom, always. For example, I'm really selfish and I love sleep but last night (in a rare mommy-alter-ego moment), I became the better version of me. Elias was sick or just extra finnicky for some reason and cried from 12am until 2am. He never does that. We tried to let him cry it out and finally we realized, he was just extra upset and needed us. After we pulled him into bed with us, I was exhausted, but from 2:00am - 2:30, all I could do was hold him, kiss him, and stare at him. I didn't even want to sleep. I'm one of the worst people I know, and my dream is to be the opposite, the best mom I know.

Those are my dreams. Weird, but mine.