Alter Ego #2
So since Kalle knows my testimony intimately, here was her response (heavily paraphrased):
"Your whole life before Christ was spent worrying about what people thought of you, and adjusting your personality to try & be what they wanted. Somewhere during your early life, when you felt as if you weren't good enough for the people you needed love from - you developed this second personality - to come out and be the exact opposite of yourself, in an effort to please them. The problem is, even now - when you know Christ & walk with Him - you're still resorting back to that personality, either because you feel threatened or unworthy."
I totally agreed... I told Kal I feel like I'm living Romans 7: 18-20 constantly:
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Here were her two pieces of advice for me:
a) Don't make that other person feel threatened. It's your defense mechanism and if you just try and tell it to go away and you just try and quit it, it's going to manifest itself in some other way. Instead, introduce that threatened-defense-mechanism-alter-ego person to yourself. Say, "Oh, it seems you haven't met adult Jessi! She's a believer, loving and walking with God, she is mature and even when she feels threatened - she's okay, because nothing that is against her can defeat her - her Father is behind her. You two should be friends...". That may sound strange and kooky, but the truth is, I have to recognize WHO I am & who I've become.
b) Instead of just dumping that yucky person to the side, use her for good. When she wants to come out and start being stupid, loud, or anything that is contrary to what is going on in your heart - listen to her. See why she feels threatened and address that issue. Let her show you how to have compassion for other women who are reverting to their weirdo alter-egos. But don't ignore her - utilize her when she tries to come out.
All that said, I am very thankful for Kalle & I am really thankful that I'm ready to stop wasting my time living like I don't want to. Christ has given me such life, such joy, & a massive amount of passion. It's time to live that out.