it's not all that tidy in here.

I once went to a women's conference where this one speaker was saying that after her first few times giving her testimony at the traveling event, one of the other speakers confronted her and gave her a little rebuke. She said, "You're a wonderful speaker, with a powerful testimony - but something tells me; it's not as tidy in there as you make it out to be". My mom and sister (who went to the conference with me) would probably both agree it was one of the worst women's conferences ever, not a ton of spiritual meat, but that one line has stuck out to me since then.

Is it as tidy as it seems in here?

One thing that would really depress me is if people visited my blog daily and saw an unrealistic picture, or something that looks tidy but surely isn't. The truth is, on the bad days - I avoid the old blogger, because I always thing, "who wants to read about my junk?" or I want to avoid sixteen comments telling me I'm great and shouldn't feel discouraged when the truth is:

I am not great. Not at mothering, not at being a wife or a woman. I kind of stink.
However, I love a God who is great and who sometimes redeems my crap & makes some good out of it.

So today's been a bad day. And I should run from my blog, but in hopes that someone will be encouraged - I'm just going to tell you about it. I hope you laugh, or it reminds you of a bad day of yours, or hopefully you get encouraged and can make it through a hard day of your own. So here are some very untidy facts. Enjoy.

- I got my first haircut in an year last week. I waited a whole year because I was trying to grow my hair out & I didn't totally trust the woman who did it last time. I did go to her again, because I just wanted something simple - same length, just thinned out and shaped up. She didn't do a BAD haircut persay, but she thicked it up somehow with layers and made it much harder to style; about the last thing I need right now. I asked Nick if we could go egg her house yesterday and I wasn't really kidding.
- My pelvic pain in this pregnancy is out of this world. With both of my prior pregnancies, I got the normal pelvic pain in the last few weeks, but this started three months out from the end and is intense. When I wake up in the middle of the night to pee, I actually can't walk. If I sit for too long, I will literally have to limp until it subsides.
- I'm scared to have another colicky baby. Really, really scared. If he is healthy, that is the most important thing - but in all honesty, April - July of last year just about killed me and I'm not sure I can go through that again.
- At the grocery store the other day, our kids went absolutely nutball crazy. They generally never act out in public and they both went nuts on each other. Hitting, biting, screaming, throwing things out of the cart - I'm not even kidding. While this is totally atypical of them, it was really discouraging. Not to mention, TWO old women pulled me aside to give me advice on how to handle my disobedient daughter.
- I've worn the same shirt for three days in a row, at some point during the day each day. It's purple and feminine and makes me feel good. I may put it on tomorrow if I feel like it.
- Three times today, my hormones have overtaken me and I've just started crying. No reason other than I'm tired and as big as a house and tired.
- I am stubborn to a fault. When I really, really, really need help the most - I refuse it. After the third crying jaunt of the day, my husband found me with bloodshot eyes and ordered me upstairs to rest while he fed the kids dinner and I refused because I don't like to get help.
Then I gave in and came to write this blog.

Ok, that's all the messy facts you get for the day.
I hope you're all having a great day, but if you're not - I hope we can both hold on till tomorrow and find hope in the One who makes all things tidy again.