memories of myself
Do you have a period in life you like to just sit and remember?
Women do this a lot right, even so much that we have to watch it's not becoming sinful or fantastical or obsession-filled replaying of a conversation we had in 11th grade. I mean, I don't do that - but you probably do:).
One of my favorite little seasons to walk through and remember is the month or so around Elias' birth. Sometimes before I go to sleep, I'll just sort of replay what it was like the night before he was born or remember curling up on the couch with him in the afternoons. I still remember every detail of my first day home alone with him, thinking it was totally normal and necessary that I read my entire Bible time out loud to him - and when Nick called to check on us, I told him earnestly that Elias and I had been praying for him. Sweet silly mama.
So yesterday, this one conversation from that period stuck out in my head. I was sitting with the pastor's wife of our church at the time and I think Elias was maybe a week old. She had brought me lunch with another friend, and since they were both mothers - they were sweetly checking in on me. I remember telling her that I was starting to feel like myself again and she made an odd face. Ashley had a two year old and a six month old and she sweetly told me that she was barely starting to feel like her self again.
That was a little jolting to say the least. I'm not amazing at transition and I just longed to feel normal again. To recognize my thoughts and my body and to be able to piece it all together again nicely. Lost fans - I'll put it simply like this. I needed a continuum so I didn't get a crazy Daniel-Faraday-type nose bleed, right?
Anyhow, that conversation has been on my mind today because I'm STARTING, just BEGINNING to MAYBE feel like myself again. Of course, a new different version - but I'm recognizing some sensations that may be associated with being your own person in Christ... not just a baby maker. Like, my body has purposes other than growing, carrying, feeding, and rocking children. I love that it does all of those amazing things - but it did other things before too. Also, my heart can be truly burdened for things other than my children's salvation and remembering what needs to go in our bag for the playdate tomorrow.
Cjane calls it "getting her spice back". I highly suggest you read Cjane. Heres's a post she wrote that I feel like explains this inexplicable fog mamas sort of have to live in. Yeah... Cjane says it so well. Vacuum lines. I think I love vacuum lines again! And using different colored pens to write in my Bible. And praying for cities. And showering. And delighting in my husband when he talks about his passions. And writing cards to friends. And wearing shoes! All while, fulfilling this massive duty that the Lord has given me of shepherding and caring for my children.
Three years later...
I'm starting to think about possibly beginning to feel like myself again.
And that feels right on time.
I don't like when I can't articulate things well and this feels very inarticulate.
Because it is so hard to describe, right?! This crazy fog!
Any one else want to weigh in about this foggy season or another? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Let's talk here.