a letter to arrow

Hey buddy!
It's crazy and silly here this morning. 
There are christmas movies and your siblings are playing with yarn and making a house-wide spider web. I'm doing laundry & your Dad is running errands. 

I can't think about Christmas without thinking about you. When we found out about you, your dad and I kept saying how fun Christmas would be. You'd either be here or you'd be about to be here. And how fun would that be. 

But you! You're having the better Christmas! 
I just know you're there. 
I bet Christmas is even more beautiful there, more beautiful than we can imagine. 
And truly it makes me smile so much to think of you there, fully there. 
Fully there. 

I sure miss you buddy. I wish you were here. 
I wish I was either rubbing my hand over tight skin holding you or holding you in my arms with these crazies running around you. 
I wish Glory was holding you and kissing you and Benja was seeing you. 
I think Elias would have been the best friend you'd ever met. 
I think he would have held onto you and never let go. 
I wish you'd been at our party last night and I wish grandparents could have held you. 

Yesterday, for the first time, Elias asked why I had four eggs in my nest ring and I haven't told them about you yet. Not because I don't love you or miss you something fierce, it just hasn't felt like the right time. But for the first time, I thought Christmas might be the best time. What if I could explain where you are and how you really know what a gift Jesus is, and what if the Lord used that to stir Ebugs sweet heart? 

What if I really believed that you were this precious gift for a precious season, and in my wishing and in my grief, I could rejoice that you were there and we were here? 
Then being able to express that, would be being able to express the whole hope and grace and goodness of Jesus and how He really is the best gift. 

So I think I'll talk to Ebug about you this week. 
But I hope you're having the best Christmas ever. 
And I know you are. 
And I miss you buddy!

Love, your mama.