My Before Heart
The last time I blogged about the journey I'm on with Revelation Wellness, I talked about being humbled and hopeful enough to take a "before" picture. It was a little scary putting a picture of myself, unedited, in not the most flattering clothes or lighting on the internet for all to see - but it was also refreshing to be honest and real about where I'm at. It got me thinking - I really wish I could give an adequate "before picture" of my heart at the start of this process. Maybe for some of you it would be really familiar and maybe for some of you it would be shockingly disturbing, I'm not quite sure.
I had a few people email, text, or comment after that post and say - "you know you're not seriously obese, right?" and I get it. I've always known that the really serious issue with my health and my heart as it pertains to weight has never been the number on the scale - but the state of my spiritual and emotional health. It was that reality, my heart reality, that made me reach out to Alisa to get help in the first place, not my weight or my frustration over not being a certain size.
Without trying to sound too dramatic or being an intense Debbie Downer on a Thursday morning - can I just tell you guys, my heart before picture was really really bad? I'm 29 now, but this is an internal battle I've been fighting for LITERALLY as long as I can imagine. My earliest, earliest memory of relating to my body is of genuinely hating it. My major life occurrences and celebrations are dotted and lined with the memory of what size I was or how I felt about my body that day. My strongest memory from my wedding? Not having my eyes locked with my husband as I walked down the aisle, but genuinely questioning whether or not my back looked fat those sitting in the pews. My body, or my feelings about my body, have given me social anxiety and have led to insecurity that hurt my relationships. These thoughts and issues have affected my intimacy with my husband, my freedom to play with my kids, and they've dulled my passion to minister to other women.
My hatred for my body was at an all time high a month or so ago, even though my body weight wasn't. Maybe you're thinking that's incredibly sad (you're right) or maybe that sounds incredibly familiar (I'm sorry).
Well, here's the good news gals. That was my before picture. And it's one that is literally never coming back. Two days into my study with Revelation Wellness, I had more freedom than I'd ever had. A week in, I was starting to feel like a new woman. Yesterday, at the start of my fourth week - I found myself standing in front of the mirror, praising God for my stretch marks and the parts of my body that would've left me in tears a few weeks ago. I kept laughing through happy tears and wondering, "who is this girl? where is this coming from?".
I'm not sure who this girl is, but I know who my faithful God is. He is the One who is not satisfied with the before picture. He is the One who says that if we seek Him, He will be found. He is the One who says that it is for freedom that He sent His Son to free us. He's really the One doing the work and I am so incredibly grateful. And I'll just keep telling the story.
If you can relate to my before heart picture, I cannot suggest spending some time on the Revelation Wellness site enough. Be encouraged by Alisa, try an at-home program, watch a few free videos. Don't stay in the before. Hope for the after.