5 Things I Learned in My Recent Struggle With Anxiety
I’ve shared a few times here about my recent struggle with anxiety.
First, here on anxiety + control, some thoughts on a breakthrough in the middle of a breakdown, my panic attack in the airport, and my relapse in Mexico.
Now that it’s 2023, I’m consistently sleeping again, and I haven’t had a panic attack for a few months (there have been a few here + there, but I’ve felt equipped to fight them), I thought it might be time for a follow-up on what helped.
I knew I was ready to testify about feeling better when I saw my most recent blood work, and my cortisol levels had gone down from entirely-too-high to low. Cortisol is our primary stress hormone, and when it’s high, it’s one sign our body isn’t processing stress correctly. So now that I’ve been feeling better, and my blood work is agreeing - it feels like a good time to share.
If you haven’t read any of those blog posts, or even if you have, here’s the short story of what went down:
Last spring, I went through a period of nights where I couldn’t sleep. One night of insomnia turned into two. After that, I’d sleep every three or four nights, but my new normal became hours of laying awake in bed, coupled with panic.
I’d had two panic attacks in the last ten years, but suddenly I had rolling panic attacks. These were mostly at night but sometimes lasted into the day. I could fake being okay for a few hours during the day, but I’d often burst into tears when someone asked me how I was doing. And after a month or two - I was really struggling. Here’s what helped:
I asked for a lot of prayers. I’ve always loved the saying, “Prayer isn’t the only thing we do, but it’s the first thing we can do.” I prayed at night. I prayed through panic attacks, Nick would pray for me, and friends would pray for me. But I share this because a huge part of my healing was being honest with my people about how I struggled. I’d walk into church on Sunday morning and ask for prayer from 20+ people at our pre-service gathering. It wasn’t always easy, and there were times I wanted to hide, but in the end: dumping the shame right on the front end of my battle helped so much.
I spoke with multiple professionals, including two medical doctors. When the anxiety hit, I was seeing a functional medicine doctor. When I started feeling better, I was talking to my functional medicine doctor, a counselor, my spiritual director, and my endocrinologist. It’s sometimes challenging to advocate for what is happening in our bodies, but I’m grateful that after waving my arms a good bit (figuratively), I got the help I needed.
I started taking medication. I’ve been on medication for my mental health in the past, and I’ve had seasons where I’ve only fought spiritually. I’m okay knowing that my body lives under the effects of a fallen world, and it needs help sometimes. This decision felt like a spiritual one, not a departure from the Spirit. Ultimately, I went on a non-addictive, non-habit-forming sleep aid that changed the game for me. After I got the prescription, I put off taking it, worried it might not help. Now I thank God for the first day I started taking it. The solid sleep at night allowed me to fight anxiety during the day.
I did a lot of soul deep-diving. I think sometimes anxiety is purely physical, but I knew this struggle was rooted in my over-responsibility and control issues. I wrote a little bit about this here. But, ultimately, the physical help and the prayer wouldn’t have had a lasting effect if I hadn’t figured out how I’d gotten to this place of extreme stress.
Last but certainly not least: I had to take important things off my plate. I wrote here about how I got fired from the church. :) I say this just to normalize the truth that sometimes we’ll have to adjust our lives drastically to take care of our souls.
None of these are prescriptive - I’m not advocating for any of them in your life - but I pray that if you’re struggling, they might stir up some ideas about how you can care for yourself.
Your body is good, your mind is good, and your soul is good.
Healing is real, hope is worth it, and fighting to see the light is beautiful.
Thank you for letting me share a little of my story.
Your No Filter Friend,
