When the Alarm Went Off

When I left you last, I was on a plane to Togo, Africa. After that, I was headed to London. So rather than sending you the world’s longest newsletter recapping both of those trips, I’ve turned them into a blog posts! See a Togo recap here + London right here. 

But for now, I want to tell you about when the alarm went off. 

On Sunday the 26th, my husband, sister, brother-in-law, and I spent all day (ALL DAY) in the Newark airport, getting ready to board our flight to Togo. We worked, laughed, and talked about the week's wildness ahead. I felt nothing but excited and expectant. 

When it came time for us to get on the flight, however, my body started showing severe anxiety. My hands were shaking, my pulse was elevated, and I felt emotional and a little scared - so I started doing the litany of things that help me when anxiety hits. 

I prayed, Nick prayed for me, I recited scripture, did some tapping, and took deep breaths. 

Because it was an international flight, the boarding process was slow. I went first of the four of us, having my face and passport scanned, then moved through to the crowded jetbridge. EXCEPT SOMETHING WILD HAPPENED. 

When I got into the waiting crowd, my huge travel bookbag hit an alarm, and it was suddenly PANDEMONIUM. The alarm was blaring; kids were crying, and airline officials were rushing to figure out what was wrong. And I… was sobbing. 

I knew it was my fault that I’d set off the alarm, so I immediately started apologizing. But, I couldn’t help it - the anxiety was leaking out of my body through tears, and all the pent-up stress of the last few months was literally pouring out of me. This was my worst nightmare: having a breakdown on our first flight of seven. How would I make it? 

Once the alarm was quieted and my family made it through, I was relieved to find them laughing (I mean, they were worried about me - but seeing the humor in the situation), and then I started to giggle a little too. Of course, the giggling mixed with crying some more, but by the time I was settled in my seat - my body felt at peace. Like I’d released something vital that I needed to let go of. 

I’ll cut to the chase (but please read those recap blogs) and tell you: the rest of the week went miraculously. My anxiety never returned, in fact - it all but dissipated. 

When I was processing it this past week with my spiritual director, I told her the story of the alarm going off, and she said something beautiful: 

“I wonder if your body needed to experience what your mind and heart have been experiencing these past few months: an alarm going off. All the anxiety and fear bubbling up has been just that, an alert that you needed to make some shifts. I wonder if experiencing the actual alarm helped your body and mind connect in a new way.” 

That’s some deep stuff. And I think I’ll be thinking, praying, and processing it for a while. 

But for now, I’ll tell you this: 

I’m so glad the alarm went off.
I’m so glad I waved the flag and started to dig into what was wrong.
I’m so glad I asked for help.
I’m so glad that even anxiety can be a clue to more healing that is ours for the taking. 

And, of course, I love that our bodies help us in this beautiful, incredible way. 

Grace and peace to you, Jess